This isn’t me of course, but it could have been in a very different reality. (CC0)

You need 1,000,000x success and, lucky for you, I have plenty to spare

Let me tell you about how to succeed. Obviously, I haven’t yet done this myself, or I’d have better things to do than write about it. Unless you pay me — my speaking rates are on the high end of very affordable, I assure you. But I digress. What was I talking about? Success! Because what else is there in life, or at least on Medium, anyway?

This particular brand of success will give you ten orders of magnitude better results than your current brand. 99.9% of all successful people do it. I have, of course, defined success to be the thing that these people do, whatever it is. Yes, the reasoning is circular, but that just makes it deep. Like a mystery of the universe. You know, like the Oroboros. Anyway, you don’t want reasoning, you want results.

This is also not an internet fad. I know, because I read about it on Wikipedia, and it has been around for at least four hundred years. But it is revolutionary. No one else in my WeWork pod has ever heard of it, so I doubt you have either. And let me tell you, it’s a doozy. I mean, I’m an expert in it — as of ten minutes ago — and it floored me. But only briefly. A moment later, I finished the whole article, and had an epiphany. Though that makes it sound too passive. Let’s say I epiphanized myself. I am the agent of my destiny.

That epiphany let me turn my life around. I closed my browser tab, and quickly gained 100x friends and 1,000,000x productivity (that’s a MILLION). I mean, I don’t do math — being a creative — and when I put it into my phone calculator, it says “divide by zero. But I’m sure it’s relative. Like Einstein. See? Secrets of the universe. Also Godel. And some other dead White dudes I have heard reference to on the internet. But, in a woke way, right?

Anyway, you need to try this too. If you don’t, it’s kind of like signing your own death warrant. I know, dramatic. But death by a thousand Tweets is real. At least, my cat tells me it is. And she should know: she used to be internet famous. And did she try this one weird trick? No.

You’re welcome.

Claps please.

Also, buy my book. It is a version of this post, but on Amazon.

Data, graphics, games. So You Need to Learn R.